Conflict in a Relationship, can your children learn from you?

Do you argue in front of your children and also show them how you got to the resolution, if you don’t, do you tell them how you resolved the issue. Weather we like it or not, our children will at some point in their lives have to deal with confrontation and have to be able to defend their corner. Question is, how do we put them in the position of being able to defend themselves respectfully with ease?

Childhood experiences

As a child, my mum and my step father never really argued, instead my step father always shouted and my mum, always kept quiet and never answered back. So growing up I never knew how to hold an argument or confrontation. Furthermore when we fought as children, my mum would beat us up for not getting along. When my step siblings refused to carry out their chores, I ended up having to do them because mum did not like confrontation with the other step children and extended family. So growing up instead of dealing with confrontation, I always ended up compromising as that was what I was taught in order order to keep the peace.

In my culture, girls were always encouraged to just do as the husband said and the man was deemed the head of the home. Now looking back, this created or still creates a lot of abuse by the man as they take advantage of the so called obedient submissive wives. Looking back, at my grandparents, I never heard them argue either, and hence my mum just kept quiet when my step dad was shouting at her or barking orders.

Now looking back, I see why we had a debate club at school, this prepared me in a way at speaking up, but not at a personal level.

Adulthood epiphany

After getting married I realised that I had to change and deal with confrontation head on. If I was not happy about something I had to speak up and make my point clear. I had to come out of my shell as I realised that African women end up with Hypertension and other stress related ailments. Allow your children to be able understand that respectful tackling of issues head on can help, them also feel good about themselves and can avoid the stress caused by stifling one’s feelings.

I know some people who end up drinking in order to speak up, but then the other party will not take you seriously if that is the way to vent your feelings or frustrations.

When women are confident and speak their mind, they are then deemed to be astute and bigoted, and thereby are not allowed to be who they really are. When it comes to us black women, there is a belief that if we speak our minds we are ANGRY BLACK WOMEN. So all these stereotypes, sometimes end up making people lead pretentious lives and end up getting stress related illnesses.

Listen and Respect your child’s opinion

Encourage your children to speak up if they are not happy with any decisions that you make within the home. Also ask their opinions without judgement and ask them why they have made that choice. . Sometimes even when deciding on something as small as what you are going to make for dinner. I found that my mum always decided what meals were prepared within the home, and we never ate out, so when I became an adult, even ordering food for myself in a restaurant is a challenge, hence I prefer to go to a buffet where I will not get flustered by navigating the menu.

If you have a disagreement with someone or your other half in the presence of your child, always explain to them why and how you have resolved the issue. Also teach your child that its OK to not be in agreement with everyone as we are all unique and we were created to be individuals. Tell them that they do not have to be like everyone else and we can respect other peoples opinions without being angry if the other person does not see your point of view.

What tools are you using to strengthen you and build you child’s character, what games do you play with your child to find ways to get them out of their shell.

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