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Instilling confidence, Removing limitations, Building an effective relationship with your children
As a child, the one challenge I faced was not being able to express my true feelings, I was always a people pleaser and I never wanted to disappoint ?anyone. I was never encouraged to express opinions? and all I knew was that I am a good person. I was never able to ask my mum about anything, she was always busy as I was always afraid ?to be reprimanded for asking questions which would get me into trouble. The only meaningful conversations I had with my mum and step dad were only when they were giving me chores ???to do or when discussing my home work??? or any thing pertaining to my education. Furthermore we lived in a big house? hold with extended family and it was easy for me to go unnoticed, as long as I did my chores, attended school, did my homework and didn\’t cause any upsets. I never believed that my mother loved? me and I never expected my step dad to love me as he had 4 other children??????????.
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I only realised that I was loved by mum when I was involved in a car? accident at the age of 28, and I woke up in my hospital bed to find my mother crying her eyes out. For Africans, the language of love is acts of service for everyone and Gift ?giving, my assumption was that she loved ?me because she took care of me and she cooked ???for me when the maid was not around. So my love tank appeared full to me because I had the basic needs met and I was alive through her. I am sure most of us Africans know that children are not heard but seen, as long as they are fed??♂️ and watered ?that is all they need. I believe this was the root of my issues with not being a confident person who is genuine and true to how to express feelings. When I became a parent I then realised that I was just like my mother, I never expressed love to my children and I was so strict. I had my first two children in Zimbabwe ?where being very strict was seen as ensuring that your child had better future in case something happened to you they would be able to navigate the world with endurance. I am going to list a few of the life lessons I have gained though my life experiences below.
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- Make your children feel valued, allow your children to take part in the decision making even if it is a small trivial matter, my husband taught me this concept as he always asks the children what they wanted us to do in our spare time and also updated them on why we made a particular decision. I remember as a child, my step father would tell us that we are going to visit the rural areas the day before taking this long trip, we would pack our bags the night before assuming that it would be a morning trip. On the day of the trip you would be up at dawn and get ready before he wakes you up to avoid being in trouble. Only for him to wake up later and then take the car to the mechanic for service, by the time he returns, he does not tell you when we are going and then suddenly at 6pm after a long day of waiting he would then tell us to load the car and we would set of for the trip then, the assumption was that there is less traffic at night, remember there were no sat navs at the time so this made sense but now on reflection we would have done with being updated on when were leaving and also on why the journey was delayed.
- When they speak give them the undivided attention so they don\’t go and find it elsewhere outside the home. My son has been the baby of the house for a while, as a child he was always talking and we where always too busy to listen to him, we even used to interrupt his conversation. Unfortunately this led to him being clingy and not wanting to visit anyone, he became less chatty and when other children came over he would be jealous if you give the other children any attention, instead of him enjoying playing with those children. When he leant to read and write he even took a piece a chalk and wrote on the fence that he did not like it when we gave the other visiting children attention. From that we learnt to listen to him and to give him the platform to express himself without feeling ignored.
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3.An idle mind is the devils workshop, if there is a void in the time spent by your child doing nothing, something else will fill that void, and most of the time if the child finds it themselves, it may not necessarily be good for them. When my two older kids were growing up, I always found ways and means for them to be joining extra curricular activities outside of school. My husband and I spent a lot of money paying for Karate lessons, Guitar lessons, swimming lessons, dance lessons and gymnastics lessons. This has encouraged my older children to always be doing something other than watching TV. My older daughter now finds various ways to make money online and is also learning how to invest in property, she also joined an online exercise club whilst also holding up a full time job. My son writes and produces music, and now has created his own website, you tube channel and sold music on iTunes and Spotify.
4.Ensure your child always looks washed?♂️, tidy and smart when they go to school, it turns out the teachers tend to have this unconscious bias to giving more attention to children who look like they are taken care of at home. Its human nature to gravitate towards people who have good appearance.
I hope these few points are of value to everyone, feel free to add any comments and suggestions in the comments box
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Wow, this is a beautiful and honest reflection as a parent. It definitely highlights the importance of learning from the past to avoid repeating the same mistakes. It’s no wonder attitudes and behaviours can go on for generations simply because sometimes we refuse to admit that it is not everything that is right about our culture and upbringing. I enjoyed reading this, looking forward to more stories ……
Hi W Danda
Thank you for taking time to read my article, and I am glad you can also see the cultural norms that we have to reflect upon and alter within the realms of our homes in order to bring up well rounded children who can go out there in confidence. I look forward to hearing from you again as I embark on this journey to purposeful parenting
Absolutely love this. As a new mum, your reflections have been helpful. Hopefully, i will also try and implement these in our family life!
Hi V Phala
I am glad you got a bit of inspiration from the article, as a new parent I know there can be many surprises as only experience is the best teacher as every child is different therefore the way you can implement these ideas can also be customised to fit your family unit. Looking forward to sharing more ideas on purposeful parenting with you in the future.
This is so good. I guess it’s safe to say that it’s a general African thing because your experiences are the same as mine even though I grew up in Nigeria. I made a strong resolve when I had my kids not to be the typical African parent. I let my kids know everyday how much I love them. Even when it seems like I’m mad at them, I still love them. I try to make them comfortable enough to talk to me about stuff. I try to establish a strong emotional connection with them and ensure that they see me as their friend as well as their mother.
Wow very true and words. Having been brought up in an African household I can so relate to life being centred on education and being a good child. We definitely have a long way to go regards showing love and listening to children, encouraging them and embracing them. With toung kids I hope I can be a role model and correct some actions that as a child I would have appreciated. Thank you for sharing your experiences openly which is something hard as growing up expressing yourself was kind of frowned upon. Given me food for thought.